By SARA CONRAD
The Times-Union
The stereotypical bully is a large boy who uses his size and physical presence to intimidate and cow his victims. But the kind of bullying that girls do can be just as traumatic and needs to be taken just as seriously by adults, experts say.
Eleven-year-old Julianna Peery knows all about that. From the third grade on, Peery says she was often ostracized and verbally bullied in elementary school.
“They tell me that I’m ugly and fat and not pretty,” Peery said, adding that kids would call her names, often using vulgar slurs not usually aimed at children.
Carol Wintle, a licensed mental health counselor and author of “Empowering Children to Help Stop Bullying at School,” which is scheduled to be released next month, says that girls are more likely to use indirect and subtle ways to bully than boys.
Wintle says these more indirect behaviors include gossip, rumors, lies, dirty looks, talking behind another girl’s back, giving a girl the silent treatment and excluding a girl from a group or activity. Wintle also says that girls tend to bully girls. The reason? “Arelationship is terribly important to girls and the loss of a relationship can be devastating,” she says.
Girls can gain and lose power through relationships. If a girl is trying to get an upper hand, she might do so by trying to take another girl’s friends or boyfriend away, explains Wintle.
Juanita Forman, the outreach coordinator for the Girls, Inc. Jacksonville, a nonprofit youth organization, has seen this kind of bullying in her work and up close, when her granddaughter became a target. She says that in today’s world, bullying goes beyond the schoolyard. Social media, such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace, has given bullies another weapon in their arsenal. Her granddaughter had to close her social media accounts because the bullying was “getting out of hand.” By taking it to the Internet, Forman says, children can more easily spread rumors and gossip about the victim.
And the Internet seems to particularly appeal to girls who bully.
“More girls than you would expect use cyberbullying because they think they won’t get caught or lose their status in the eyes of adults,” says Wintle. “If they have built up feelings of anger they can be tempted to act mean in chat rooms … where no one knows who they really are.” Girls are more likely to use cyberbullying than boys because of traditional gender roles and expectations that are “impossible to reach.” Wintle says. Traditionally, girls are taught they should “be good, perfect and attractive,” Wintle said. “They can still appear good to adults, while acting mean in a sneaky way.”
But they are not to be underestimated. Girls are highly intelligent when it comes to social rank and how they are perceived by others. For instance, Wintle says that “[Girls] may seek to secure a high status rank for themselves by making others look bad so they can look good in comparison.”
On the other hand, Wintle notes that boys have other expectations: to be physically active and tough, making it easier and more socially acceptable to use physical means to bully another child. But, Wintle adds, boys still use name-calling more often than physical bullying.
So while teachers and parents might be looking for signs of physical bullying, it is important to know the signs of verbal and psychological bullying and to realize that it is just as damaging.
Last year, Florida passed into law the Jeffrey Johnston Stand up for All Students Act, named after Jeffrey Johnston from Cape Coral, who committed suicide after being repeatedly bullied at school.
All schools in Florida are now required to have a policy against bullying. Schools are required to report all instances of bullying and to notify both the parents of the victim and the bully. They are also required to provide education on bullying for teachers and students.
The Duval County School District has adopted two anti-bullying programs, Foundations and Second Step Violence Prevention Program, to help educate students about bullying and what behaviors will be classified as bullying. Teachers have also been trained.
Once a bullying incident is reported by a parent, student or teacher to school administration, the school investigates by asking both the accused bully and victim questions, and contacts both of the students’ parents, says Kathleen Bowles, Supervisor of Safe and Healthy Schools.
Unfortunately, according to Michele Borba, counselor and author of “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions,” most bullying takes place in cyberspace, and bullying that does not occur on school campuses is not covered by school policies. In other words, before and after school, parents are on their own in dealing with bully behavior.
Complicating it even further, children are reluctant to tell their parents when they are being bullied because they fear their Internet privileges will be taken away or that if the bully is confronted, the bullying will get worse.
So how can parents protect their children from bullying? Read on for tips from Borba to identify whether your child is a bully or is being bullied.
Signs your child is being bullied
• She comes home with unexplained torn clothing, bruises and cuts.
• She returns home missing possessions or money.
• She rushes to the refrigerator famished when she gets home. (She isn’t eating lunch because she is surrendering her lunch money to the bully.)
• You notice a change in her natural temperament: She can’t focus, is having nightmares, suddenly wants you to drive her to school, becomes needy, or suddenly withdrawn or evasive.
• She is having stomachaches, headaches or other physical problems more often and requests to stay home from school.
• She rushes to the bathroom when getting home from school. (Many children are afraid to use the bathroom at school because that is where many bullies prey.)
If you suspect your child is being bullied ...
Talk to your child and find out the facts. Do not immediately call the parents of the suspected bully. If you suspect your child is being bullied “play detective,” says Michele Borba, a counselor and author of “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions.” Here are her tips. First ask your child the following questions:
• Where did it happen? Usually bullying happens in the same places bus stops, in the far corners of the bus, the playground, the hallways, any place where there isn’t much adult supervision.
• When did it happen?
• Who bullied you?
• Who were you with? (These children can later serve as witnesses.)
• How did you respond?
Once you have some facts, here are some steps to keep in mind:
• Keep the lines of communication open with your child.
• Let your child know that you must report the incident. Make her understand that you are doing so no to betray her trust, but to keep her safe. You will need help from teachers and other advocates.
• Create a safety plan with your child. Talk with her about remaining in the sight of adults on the bus, playground and in hallways. Talk to people who care about the child (coaches, baby sitters, teachers) and have them advocate for the child’s safety.
• Teach your child how to respond. Tell her to try to keep from crying or getting upset when confronted; the bully wants a reaction from his or her victim. “The kid has to learn how to be cool and stay cool,” says Borba.
• Report the bullying to your child’s teacher and school, so that they can take care of it according to law. If you do not report it to the school, they cannot be held responsible.
• Keep checking in with your child.
Signs your child is a bully
• She excludes other children from play dates, lunches and activities.
• She seems to enjoy intimidating others.
• She spreads rumors about others.
• She blames other children for bullying.
• She justifies her behavior by saying that the victim deserved it.
• She picks on younger, weaker children or animals.
How to respond if your child is a bully
• Admit it and accept it. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but you can help change the behavior.
• Call a conference with your child’s coach, baby-sitter and teachers and enlist their help to watch your child’s behavior.
• Address the behavior as unacceptable, but do not make it personal.
• Set boundaries with your child. If she is bullying a particular child, tell her that she is not allowed near that child.
• Teach your child replacement behavior. If the child is angry and needs anger management tools, seek counseling.
• Enlist the help of a therapist, counselor, teacher, coach and anyone else involved with your child to find the cause of the behavior. Elayne Savage, a psychotherapist and author of “Don’t Take it Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection,” advises getting the help of a teacher to help validate the child. She notes that sometimes bullies are just “puffing themselves up.”
• Take time with your child. This won’t be a one-conversation solution. Make sure that your child is not learning the behavior at home. Bullying is often learned behavior, says Savage.
Preventing and addressing cyber-bullying
• Explain to your child that computer time and cell phones are privileges that can be taken away.
• Teach your child to never send an e-mail or text while angry.
• Check out software that allows you to track which Web sites your child visits, such as Wired for Safety.
• Advise your child you will be checking her e-mail account.
• Pay attention to your child’s reaction when she receives text messages or e-mails. Is she nervous or upset?
• Search online for your child’s name to see if people are talking about her online.
Resources for parents
TweenParent.com: Resources for parents of tweens, including anti-bullying tips.
WiredforSafety.org: Internet safety tips.
GirlsIncJax.org: Girls, Inc. Jacksonville offers anti-bullying workshops.
LoveOurChildrenUSA.org: Home of Stomp Out Bullying, with more tips on how to recognize if your child is affected by bullying and how to respond.
FLDoe.org: Information on Office of Safe Schools and bullying prevention programs.
Bullypolice.org: Information on the anti-bullying act for Florida schools.
